My Return to Work

January 2nd was my first day back to work at St. Clare Hospital. Leaving Caitlyn in the morning was a little more difficult than I imagined, but my actual return to work went very smoothly.

***

January 1st was a good day, I gathered all of my things that I needed to return back to work and relaxed with Ashley and Caitlyn. As the night started to come to an end I began to tear up. I was feling so many different things. I was nervous to return back to work because I thought maybe I forgot how to be a nurse. I was also very sad because for some strange reason, I felt as if motherhood was ending... Now I know that when I get off of work and even when I am at work, I am still Caitlyn's mom, but I feared that maybe she'd forget who I was. I just couldn't get rid of these awful feelings. I was also a little excited to get back to work to see all of my friends. I had a million emotions which made it very hard to get to sleep.

***

The night came and went... and I found myself awaking to my alarm. I was now in a state of shock! I quickly got ready so that I would have some extra time to play with Caitlyn before I left for work. She woke up shortly after I got outta the shower so I nursed her and continued to get ready. Ashley was now awake and playing with Caitlyn. I was all ready for work and went downstairs to warm up my car. The second I put the key in the ignition... I lost it. I began crying so hard and loud... I couldn't believe it. I tried to calm myself down so I could go back inside and give Ashley and Caitlyn a kiss good bye. I met Ash on the stairs as he was coming down and he must have seen my tears cause he held and hugged me for a longer than usual morning hug. I was very thankful for him. I gave Caitlyn a ton of kisses and started my journey back to work. (Ashley drove Caitlyn over to his parents house so that Vicki and Scarlet could care for her.) I cried for about 12 of the 22 minutes it took me to get to work :( I was welcomed by everyone and it only took me about ten muinutes to remember how to be a nurse. The day went by very quickly... thanks to Scarlet and Vicki who texted me many pictures of Caitlyn throughout my shift. I used our lactation room at work to pump in hopes to keep up my milk supply... I felt very strange pumping at work especially in my work clothes. I got off work and sped to pick up Caitlyn.

***

I got to Vicki's and Scarlet's house and Caitlyn was napping. I selfishly woke her up to hold her... and she smiled real big. She didn't forget who I was afterall. The next day went even more smoothly. Now I am off until next Wednesday, when I will probably go through all of this again.

Hopefully it gets easier!